Why I’m Going Back to Therapy

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Because this PTSD, Fibromyalgia cocktail I’ve been served is a beast.

Because no matter how good I look on paper, how many books and articles I write, how many phenomenal opportunities come my way, I still wrestle with that impish voice telling me that I’m not enough. Or that I’m too much. Depends on the day.

Because the weight of living in a country where ofttimes the color of my skin and the kink in my hair somehow makes me inherently a criminal or at best unattractive feels like someone stabbing me in an already wide open wound.

Because childhood sexual abuse changes your brain.

Because the weight of my call to be a prophetic, reconciliatory voice on intersectional issues like faith, race, class, and justice, to a truth resistant culture, is..well…too damn heavy sometimes.

Because the roller coaster ride of anxiety and depression isn’t really all that fun.

Because that same anxiety and depression is preventing me from doing my part in healing my marriage.

Because randomly breaking out in tears is not a bad thing–until it is.

Because self-care is no longer just optional.

Because I can’t do it all and that deeply disturbs me.

Because my mother won’t and my grandmother didn’t.

Because my daughter needs to know that her Mommy will be OK.

Because my daughter needs a model for what to do when she is not OK.

Because Jesus loves me so much that he gifted and equipped someone with the skill set to be objective in their evaluation of me and the wisdom to guide me as I walk this out.

Because my spirit is strong but my flesh is much, much stronger. (You’ll get that later).

Because sometimes I hurt inside, and I desire to be whole again.

12 Replies to “Why I’m Going Back to Therapy”

  1. I am praying for your strength in this journey. God. Family. Work. I have been there. When He begins to realign, what you cannot do yourself – it feels like failure. It is actually growth. Stay the course… and stay in peace. I am one of many rooting for your success.

  2. Because you are wise, and you know that you are whole deep down. You just forgot how to get there. We all have. You’re not broken; you have some foreign objects that have been added by this world, and you have to figure out what those are and get rid of them to be the child of light you are. You will prevail. You will shine ever brighter. You will be the YOU you really are. God bless you, Tracey. Keep shining the light of inspiration.

  3. Thank you for being strong enough to share! Keep fighting! You are MORE than a conqueror! You are victorious!! God’s blessings upon you!

  4. Beautiful Soul, You WILL heal. Continue being loving, kind and protective of inner child. She needs you. And the adult Tracey is just the responsible, loving and mature wonderful human to help her on this healing journey.

  5. You are one of the bravest people I know. Thank you for your openness. It is important for our community to know that it is okay to be vulnerable and need help. We are strong, but we are also weak. Oh, and I got it now. 😉

    Love you forever.

  6. Thank you for not only defining but also sharing what we often call genius. It is often a lonely place because we have arrived after overcoming greatly. We owe it to ourselves, our children, and the world to be this honest with ourselves. Be thou healed, renewed, and anointed again and again in Him.

  7. I’m so glad you came to this realization. Too many people are afraid to ask for help, but the truth is no one can do it alone. Peace to you, and I can’t wait for the VOTY videos to post so I can see your reading of this important post!

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