A couple of days ago, I was mad at God. In fact, if I thought I could take Him, I would have fought Him.
And maybe I have been. Fighting Him, I mean.
I know these statements can be misunderstood by the super saved folks who read my blog and believe that I shouldn’t say things like that.
But this is real talk. Real. Talk.
Honestly, I really don’t think God is as concerned with my being angry with him as some people might be. He created me with a heart which inevitably will be broken from time to time and he created me with emotions that allow me to respond in various ways to the situations and circumstances that come into my life–sadness, happiness, and yes, anger.
I do know that He is very much concerned with what I do with my anger. How my anger manifests in my life. Whether or not it becomes the seed of sin.
And I’ll admit that this time around, I came close to it being just that. Fortunately, I prayed. And prayed. And prayed some more.
Prayer really does change things.
God spoke to my heart and asked me, “Do you really believe?” And of course, I responded accordingly. Yes, I believe. I believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins and was raised from the dead. I believe Your holy word.
God said, “And?”
And… I was stuck.
The fact is…my lack of belief beyond the basic theoretical principles of salvation and biblical
interpretations has actually hindered what God wants to do in my life.
God really wants me to belief in myself. Not as the driver of my abilities (He has that covered) but as the executor of my gifts and His will in my life.
Basically, God was saying “GROW UP.” Grow up in Him.
Yes, I’ve done alot with my life but recently at every turn I’ve begun to question and second guess the gifts He’s given me… out of some seemingly masochistic fear or to shelter myself when things don’t go the way that I would have liked. When creative ideas come to me for various projects, instead of praying about what direction He wants me to take with them. I stuff them back into my heart and mind until I get validation from MAN. Then wants MAN has validated I run full speed ahead. Ahead of God. Bad move. Very bad move.
This is a truth. Our lack of belief feeds procrastination, impacts the quality of the work produced, and hinders opportunities that God wants so much to give to us.
Then when all of this happens, we have the audacity to get angry. Big Ouch.
After sharing this quiet time with the Lord, the first thing I thought was that I needed confirmation in the word of God. On the surface, that’s an appropriate response but what I heard in my heart was…”What? You don’t believe me?”
That’s when it crystallized for me. I couldn’t even believe when I know I clearly heard the voice of God in my spirit. I’d allowed Satan to use UNBELIEF to create static…and a growing gulf…in my communication with God.
It was only inevitable that this would enter the rest of my life.
Today, however, I rejoice. Because this unbelief is broken in my life. It is surrendered fully to God and now my creativity…my gift…can flow free again.